You are who you are
Live a life consistent with who you want to be and you’ll find serenity
When my wife and I were newly married, we took at trip to Washington D.C. to visit friends. Being young and somewhat naive, we thought it would be nice to see the various monuments at night. After doing so, we started walking to our friends’ apartment, which wasn’t far.
As we turned a corner, we immediately saw that we were surrounded by seven guys. The leader was holding his hand in his jacket. My friend started trying to talk them out of whatever they intended and he was hit in the face and his glasses were knocked off. I was also hit in the side of the head, though not too severely. As it turned out, a cab came by, we ran to stop it (the cab driver wasn’t crazy about the idea but his girlfriend insisted he do so), and we managed to make it home.
I don’t think about that incident too often (it was almost 40 years ago), but I have had the inevitable questions: Should I have done anything differently (besides not walking late on those streets)? Can you prepare to defend yourself? Why do people become violent?
Regarding this last point, I recently had a small epiphany after hearing former prisoner and now security consultant Varg Freeborn on a podcast. It is Varg’s contention that those born into desperate situations sometimes internalize a story in which they visualize themselves solving problems through violence. At some point, those visions become reality, after which it is difficult to break free.
I realized upon listening to this that our identity is formed and we often live into that identity. If you see yourself as kind and hold that as a value, you will generally live that way. If you see your life as a competition to see who can garner the most money, then you will make that your life’s aim. If you see yourself as only worthy to the degree that someone else affirms your worthiness, you will be compelled to seek out those affirmations at a cost to you.
Perhaps this idea is also why many people are unhappy. Their identity, conscious or not, is carried with them. If their lives are not consistent with their ideas about who they are and who they want to be, they will be unhappy or angry or both.
At this point, I should make the important stipulation that people sometimes need to change and can do so. It is not easy. Let’s look at an example. Perhaps someone finds that their addiction to alcohol is making them and those around them miserable. If they go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, they will find others walking that same road. These fellow travelers will share from their own wisdom and experience. The regularity of having an AA meeting every day can provide the sustenance needed to change.
You may need to think about whether you need to rethink your identity, or, alternatively, whether you like your identity but need to live more in accordance with it.
For me, I found this concept to be liberating. To have made it this far in life with a fairly good concept of who I want to be and a track record that is mostly consistent with that identity gives me a sense of assurance that, indeed, that is who I am. It also helps me understand that the times I’ve strayed from my beliefs were mistakes, and that I should give myself some grace for those.
Be true to yourself. If you find yourself sad or angry, look to see if you are living someone else’s story. Live by the principles you know to be right and true. Don’t take on others’ definitions of success. In the end, you want to write the best story possible with the life you have.
